Patterns

This had to be a nightmare.

There was no way, no possible way that this could truly be happening. Not to me not to us.I’d spent my whole life just watching the things that I love pass me by. I couldn’t let this go by as well. But it was happening, right before my eyes.

Sora and Kairi. Kairi and Sora. I tested their names on my tongue that left an after taste of metal. Sora and Kairi sitting on my island, sharing my fruit. I should be one of those people, holding hands and feeling loved instead of lying in the tree house with its terribly scratchy surface. Splinters pushed their way into my skin as I peeked out through the doorway, watching as their silhouettes move closer where they perched on the paopu tree. Night was setting softly, the fans of the palms and trees making their lulling hush as they rustled in the early even air. The stars were out, and the only light was moonlight that lingered over the play island, casting more shadows than brightness. Those figures held out their hands, one of which held an object like a star, as if they had caught it for just that special someone to be shared here in the silent acceptance of night. They did not expect another type of shadow watching them from afar.

How many times had I imagined this happening? I had seen it on the wall in the secret place; I’d seen it in their posture, in their very fibers of their beings. But like every other step in their proceeding to go forward in their relationship, I had allowed myself to simply let it go. I clutched the wood tightly, my nails feeling the wood dig beneath them, gathering more splinters as my heart ached with a pain that no amount of sliver could compete with. I pressed my cheek harder into the wood, trying to make this nightmare go away as I awoke with the painful reality of fragments of wood in my face.

They broke the fruit apart, a shower of juice falling between them that could just be seen from my sky view. The night was as still as the straight-glass waters, reflecting them just as the moon reflected the sun. I felt like that. I felt like I could only take a bit of their glow, and come out in the darkness then to show it. Only in darkness could I show my light, when the sun had gone and I had taken what I needed from it. But I had not taken what I needed. Not yet. And I never would.

There had been so many times that I could have stopped this form happening. He was my best friend, and he always wanted my approval. I had just said yes. I had let the pattern of the word continue even though the answer had changed to a no when he told me he’d kissed her, and so much more that it made my head want to explode. But I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t bear to see him unhappy, and I couldn’t escape the maze that he was leading me down. He didn’t even know he was leading me down this path. It was the same way he was setting down for himself, and for her. I couldn’t just leave the maze, not when he was the only thing I had. Not when she was the only other friend I had.

I couldn’t control these patterns.

Their heads bent down, and they put the fruit to their mouths. I wanted to squeeze my eyes tightly shut, to stop breathing and when I needed to come up for air, I would be somewhere else, where this wasn’t happening. But I was drowning, and there was no air.

I let myself believe I stood up then and jumped down and ran. I ran, and ran and ran until I was right there, right next to them and screamed how I felt. I would scream that I wasn’t going to be left in the dark this time. That he wasn’t going to forget about me, when I had been there all along. I had loved him before she had even come. I had carved his name into the wall, I had shared my toothbrush, and I had held him when he cried. I believed I told her that she couldn’t take him away from me. That if they were to share this fruit, than I deserved a piece of it too. That it was my destiny they were ultimately changing as well. Because I would not leave him, not again. Because I would not be left alone, not again. Because I loved him, and I would scream it again, and again and again.

I remembered that I had been the one to taunt him. I told him about the fruit. I had told him about the legend of it making your future forever shared with the person you split the star with. I had meant that sweetness to be for me. But he never saw that, never understood it. And he never would.

They were closer than ever now, their silhouettes letting their legs entangle as they hung over the starry water. It stirred just slightly as the leaf from the paopu fell upon it. It sent ripples for a moment, before all was still once again.

I could not make myself move. I simply inched forward, more splinters pushing through my cotton shirt and boxers as I watched. My voice was gone, and there was no way they would hear me anyways. They were in a world of their own. And I was left in cold, cold reality as they crossed their arms so they were inches away from each other’s pieces. I was left to dwell in the darkness that they had tried to save me from. They promised to save me from. I suppose that would not be the last promise they would break.

They took their first taste of entwined destinies, and I knew mine was over.